What Are “Parts” in IFS Therapy? And Isn’t Talking to Them a Little Weird?

If you are new to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, the idea of having “parts” , and especially the idea of talking to those parts , might sound a little strange.

You might wonder: What do you mean, parts? Am I supposed to talk to myself? Isn’t that weird?

If you have had that reaction, you are certainly not alone.

One of the things I appreciate about IFS therapy is that it gives us a way to understand something most of us already experience: we can have many different thoughts, feelings, impulses, and reactions at the same time.

A part of you may want to make a major change in your life, while another part is terrified of what could happen.

A part of you may know that you deserve to rest, while another part tells you that you should be doing something productive.

A part of you may want closeness in a relationship, while another part wants to pull away before you can get hurt.

We often naturally use this language without even realizing it: “Part of me wants to go, but another part of me wants to stay.”

IFS simply invites us to become more curious about those different parts of ourselves.

So, What Exactly Is a “Part”?

In IFS therapy, we understand the mind as naturally containing different parts. These parts often develop roles within our internal system, particularly as we move through difficult, painful, or overwhelming experiences.

Some parts work very hard to protect us.

For example, you may have a perfectionistic part that believes making mistakes is dangerous. You may have an anxious part that constantly scans for everything that could go wrong. You might have a people-pleasing part that works hard to keep everyone happy, or a critical part that believes being hard on you will prevent you from failing or being rejected.

From an IFS perspective, rather than immediately trying to eliminate these reactions, we become curious about them.

What is this part trying to do for me?

What is it afraid would happen if it stopped doing this?

That shift from judgment to curiosity can be powerful.

Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles

IFS often describes parts as taking on different types of roles.

Managers tend to work proactively to prevent painful things from happening. Perfectionism, overthinking, planning, controlling, caretaking, people-pleasing, and self-criticism can sometimes function as managerial strategies.

Firefighters tend to react when emotional pain has already been activated. Their goal is often immediate relief or distraction. Different people may experience this through shutting down, avoiding, overworking, scrolling, eating, drinking, becoming angry, or engaging in other behaviors that quickly move attention away from painful emotions.

Exiles are often younger, vulnerable parts that carry painful emotions or beliefs connected to earlier experiences. They may hold fear, shame, loneliness, grief, or a sense of being unwanted or unworthy.

These categories are not meant to put people into boxes. They are simply a way of beginning to understand how different parts of our internal system may be trying to protect us.

But Do I Actually Talk to My Parts?

Sometimes, yes.

And this is often where people understandably think, Okay...this sounds weird.

Talking to a part does not mean pretending there is another person living inside of you. It can simply mean slowing down enough to notice an internal experience rather than automatically reacting to it.

Instead of saying:

“I am anxious.”

You might begin noticing:

“There is a part of me that feels really anxious right now.”

That small shift can create some space between you and the emotion.

You might then become curious:

Where do I notice this anxiety in my body?

What is this part worried about?

What does it believe might happen?

What does it want me to know?

You do not have to force an answer. IFS is not about making something up or performing an imaginary conversation correctly. It is about slowing down and noticing what naturally emerges.

Curiosity Is an Important Part of the Process

One of the central ideas in IFS therapy is learning to approach our internal experiences with curiosity rather than immediately judging, suppressing, or trying to change them.

Consider the difference between:

“Why am I like this? I need to stop being so anxious.”

and:

“I wonder what this anxious part is afraid might happen.”

The anxiety has not necessarily disappeared. But your relationship with it has changed.

And sometimes that relationship is where meaningful therapeutic work begins.

When we become curious about a protective part, we may discover that its behavior makes sense within the context of our history.

A perfectionistic part may have learned that achievement brought safety or approval.

A people-pleasing part may have learned that keeping others happy reduced conflict.

A hypervigilant part may have learned that constantly watching the environment helped protect you during unpredictable experiences.

The behavior may no longer be necessary in the same way today, but the part may not know that yet.

Rather than fighting the part, IFS helps us understand it.

What Is “Self” in IFS?

IFS also proposes that underneath all of these different parts is something called Self.

Self is not another part.

Self is often described through qualities such as compassion, curiosity, calmness, clarity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.

You may notice Self when you can look at something difficult happening inside of you and genuinely feel curious rather than overwhelmed by it.

Instead of:

“I hate this part of myself.”

There may be a little more:

“I wonder why this part feels like it has to work so hard.”

IFS therapy helps create more opportunities for that kind of relationship between Self and our parts.

What Does IFS Therapy Actually Look Like?

IFS therapy can look different depending on the person and the session.

Sometimes we may begin with something happening in your life right now. Perhaps you are anxious, angry, ashamed, overwhelmed, or stuck in a pattern you understand intellectually but cannot seem to change.

Rather than immediately trying to eliminate the feeling, we may slow down and become curious about what is happening internally.

You might notice a sensation in your chest, an image, a thought, a memory, an emotion, or simply a sense that something inside of you is uncomfortable.

From there, we may gently explore the part associated with that experience.

There is no requirement that you visualize your parts or hear them speaking clearly. People experience their internal systems differently.

My role as an IFS therapist is not to tell your parts what they should think or feel. Instead, I help you become curious about your internal experience and develop a relationship with the parts of you that may have been working very hard for a very long time.

The Goal Is Not to Get Rid of Your Parts

This is one of the most important distinctions in IFS therapy.

We are not trying to eliminate the anxious part, silence the critic, or get rid of the perfectionist.

Even parts that create significant problems are often attempting to protect something.

The question becomes less:

“How do I make this part go away?”

and more:

“Can I become curious about why this part is here and what it is trying to do for me?”

When parts begin to feel understood and no longer believe they have to work quite so hard to keep us safe, they may become more willing to step back from extreme roles.

And Yes, It Might Feel Weird at First

If talking about “parts” feels strange when you first encounter IFS, that is okay.

You do not have to immediately believe in the model or become comfortable talking to parts.

You can simply start by noticing something you probably already experience:

There are different sides of me that sometimes want very different things.

IFS gives us a framework for becoming curious about those different sides of ourselves rather than fighting them.

And sometimes, curiosity is where healing begins.

Interested in IFS therapy? Contact me